March 2012
being an asshole will never go out of style
being an asshole is how i raise my self esteem
in the morning i have a nice steaming cup of being an asshole to start my day just right
the best part of waking up
is having being an asshole in your cup
February 2012
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nuditea:
“when one door closes, another one opens”
imagine how annoying it would be if that were true
you close the bathroom door to pee and your front door suddenly blows open
your cat escapes
you run out and jump into the car to chase the cat and hear everything falling out of your over-stuffed pantry as its door unlatches
yolo: you obviously love oreos.
Expectations: I'm just going to take a quick power nap and I'll wake up refreshed and energized.
Reality: Passed out cold for five hours solid, wake up not knowing what day it is, or what the last meal you ate was.
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my sister just came into my room crying because big time rush finally announced a tour date in florida.
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This is legitimately one of the essay topics for the honors college I’m applying to:
Tell the story of Chester C. Cluckington, the first chicken to cross the road.
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Just put down the deposit for my room at UF next year.
College feels so good.
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helldate:
One time I went on a date with this boy from school and things got heated back at my place. He was going down on me and I accidentally peed in his mouth. I was so embarrassed, I cried and he awkwardly comforted me while I got him mouth wash. Then he transferred out of all my classes.
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I Like What You Say || Nada Surf
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If you drive a Prius, there is a 98% chance that I don’t like you.
clavid:
paying homeless people in trident layers
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I’m giving up being hilarious for lent.
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wakes up late: yolo
fails test: yolo
embarrasses self publicly: yolo
loses virginity: yolo
murders someone: yolo
is on americas most wanted: yolo
goes to jail: yolo
is on death row: yolo
gets executed: yolo
“Stop using me as an excuse for being fat.”
– Marilyn Monroe
She Bel[tacos]ieved
“How do chickin fingers get so big?? Thier hands are way smaller..i bet its...”
– Bennett
You aren't vegan if:
prepareforkombat:
You’re alive. You’re taking up space that could be used by animals. You are restricting their right to roam freely.
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i just want some grilled cheese right now
who wants to make me grilled cheese?
i’ll love you forever.
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Change of Seasons || Sweet Thing
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“Blessed are those who see beautiful things in humble places where other people...”
– Camille Pissarro (via hopedust)
homework: do me
me: chill out slut
Brb, watching The Last Song because I’m an A+ faggot.
3 tags
gators or canes?
It’s 11pm. Do you know where your dignity is?
“What’s more romantic than a dildo-party-slash-murder?”
– Sterling Archer
gothbaby:
once i scraped my knee in 3rd grade and a weird girl who was obsessed with horses was like “hold on” then she started crying and dropped tears on my knee then she was like “pegasus tears heal wounds”
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my dash right now:
porn
porn
porn
food
porn
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me: I'm gonna study when I get home
me: I'll just study before I go to bed
me: I'll just study in the morning
me: I'll just study on the way to school
me: I'll just study in this class
me: I'll just study in the hall
me: I'll just study before the test
me: I'll just study during the test
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In the mood for chocolate, red wine, and a good cuddle buddy.
And by that, I mean McDonald’s, a slushie, and a good movie aka every Tyler Perry movie ever produced.
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superbrowniedivya asked: I SHIP YOU WITH CARLOS 5EVER
You’ve got to be kitten me right meow.
Cat hiss ridiculous.
iamwhatiamatrainwreck:
Cosmo sex tip #394: Once your man reaches orgasm, awkwardly embrace him and whisper “well done Draco.”
4 tags
51 Christian Friendly Words for Your Vagina! →
Puff Pillow
Fish Cave
Baby Door
Eve’s Tunnel
Satan’s Doorbell (Clitoral muscle)
Reverse Blowhole
Skin Wand Scarf
Egg Crate
Bullet Wound
Sin Flower
Moist Camel Hump
Harpy Nest
Canker Blossom
Silk Barnacle
Flap Dragon
Clapper Claw
Birth Cavern
Flesh Wrap
DNA Catcher
Frothy Creek
Satan’s Trap
Sin Muscle
Folded Flesh Leaf
Harpoon Target
Slurpin’ Salmon...
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Ray Charles || Chiddy Bang
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mysterious-cheekbones:
Robert Pattinson is your drunk cousin who sits at the table on Thanksgiving and says things to piss off everyone in the family because he just. doesn’t. give. a. fuck.
“So a dog walks into the forest and he sees a whale and says “aren’t you supposed...”
– A joke told by the Russian exchange student that used to go to my school.
It’s that special day…
Tuesday.
hi who wants to keep me company and talk to me and distract me from the entire world?
i’ll pay you in sexual favors.
okay not really but still
i’d love you forever.
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Everything hurts and I just spent about the last 5 hours ugly crying and oh god I can’t even stop my eyes are like niagra fucking falls